Shameless

1.) I had a dream last night that was too detailed, time consuming, and (let’s face it) too boring to recount. HOWEVER, the main theme of the dream was embarrassment. Namely, my own. Most of the dream involved someone I dated in high school, someone I had an embarrassing crush on for long before I dated, and someone who was involved in any number of real life embarrassing things that I did and/or said. When I woke up this morning, I was flooded with remnants of embarrassment from the dream, and also embarrassment for all the random things that popped up from my memory that involved embarrassing situations with this boy. First and foremost, the time that I thought we were going on a date before we actually dated, which turned out to be very much not a date. If only I’d found that out before calling my closest friends and making squealing sounds of joy (which really should have been an embarrassment in and of itself). Second, the time that, after being dumped, I had some stupid weepy, whiny msn chat name that I thought he wouldn’t know about because he was out of town. He returned early, and I frantically tried to switch my name when he looged on. Tragically for me, this was back in the day of horribly sketchy dial-up, and the name switching page didn’t pop up quickly enough. MSN just wasn’t responding as fast as I would have liked, it didn’t realize how much pride was at stake, so I very frantically alternated trying to switch names and trying to sign off. Very suddenly msn decided to cooperate (ish), and obeyed all of my commands at once, which just meant that I was repeatedly signed in and out of chat, resulting in my weepy, whiny, totally shameful sign-in name popping up on his (and everyone else’s) computers over and over and over and as I’m realizing this, and trying ONE LAST TIME DAMMIT to get it to work right, my dial up decided to call it quits (can the internet feel shame for us?), signing me off for good so that I could no longer even try to change the name. By the time I finally get connected again, he had signed off, but changed his name to something about being an asshole. No, sir, that would be me. Also, my dial up. Third (not chronologically, but in order of embarrassment), the time that I decided to tell him that I had a huge crush on him (again-over msn chat-which really should have kept me from making the sign-in name judgement error) after a few wine coolers (you know, because I was a baller in high school). He was completely sober, I was mortifyingly gushy and creepy, and of course my dial-up crapped out about a million times during this event (foreshadowing?). This ranks 3rd on the list because, while embarrassing, it scored me some dates and my first kiss, so I’m willing to cut myself some slack on this one. This was the same night that other various friends decided to 1) eat not a few, but all of Macy’s Beggin’ Strips and 2) do a dramatic reenactment of pivotal Titanic scenes after discovering that my mother owned the soundtrack.
2.) The fact that any of these things continue to embarrass me so much after close to ten years (I feel ancient) says something sad about my personality, and about how much I really do care what people think about me.
3.) The fact that I care so much about what people think of me and yet continue to drink around them is truly ridiculous. I’m seldom foolish enough to say the dreaded, “I’m never drinking again” phrase (I know better), but I have spent a surprising amount of time in my head deciding if the level of shame I have boosted myself to outweighs the benefits of various friendships, and if I’d ever really be able to adequately phase myself out enough for the shame to fade. Mostly, not worth the effort. Occasionally, oh-so-very worth the effort. (Here’s lookin’ at you, Delta Chi.)
4.) I love Garth Brooks, thus the title of this blog entry.
5.) Any time my sister Amy talks about knowing someone who lived next to Garth Brooks, and desperately wanting to see him sometime, I get a vague picture in my head of her standing at the edge of his property, holding a boom box (is there a more current term for these?) over her head, blaring “Shameless”, Say Anything style, despite the fact that I have never actually watched Say Anything.
6.) I should probably watch Say Anything sometime.

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