Change

I want something new in my life, something new and clean and fresh and exciting and not weighed down with all the things I’ve fucked up on over the years or hesitated on for so long that the chance has passed. I want to start fresh and not constantly think about all the dumb or mean things I’ve said to people and all the times I’ve sabotaged myself, intentionally or not, to hold myself back or put myself down. I want to do something well, and quickly. I want to be done with school. I don’t want to be an accountant. I want to go back in time and just not go back to school at all, so I could work a job like I have now, only full time, and not have a mountain of student loan debt looming in the distance. I want to move somewhere new, fresh, and clean, and make it a home, instead of a place where I sleep and eat and never really clean because who cares, it’s not like it’ll stay nice and neat anyway. I want to get my hair chopped off short, or dye it, or go shopping because I feel like I’m always wearing the same things over and over again because I can’t justify the expense of buying something else. I want a change. I want something different, I don’t even really care what it is, as long as it’s not something sad. It seems that most of the times that I crave a big life change, it comes in the form of something horrible or tragic. I want to plan a wedding and not have to budget down to the penny, or feel so very guilty for spending such a ludicrous amount on what boils down to just one day, when my family is being so kind and generous to be helping us out so much in the first place. I want to feel the way you feel when you’re a little kid, and you wake up early in the morning and find out that you don’t have to go to school that day. I want to stand in the doorway and see the snow spread out in front of me as far as I can see, just a wide and vast expanse of shimmering white. I want to feel infinite.

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