Someone put something on Facebook about how they’d just come across their old Xanga account, so I just did some straight up xanga creepin’. I deleted my account years ago- I’m not sure if that’s entirely fortunate or not. On one hand, I’m very glad that no one else can read them, because I’m certain that most of them would be horribly embarrassing. Also, a part of the reason that I deleted so many entries from the blog before deleting it entirely was to have a fresh start. I’ve always had a tendency to dwell on the past, in some instances harboring anger at perceived wrongs, but in other situations romanticizing things that really weren’t as wonderful as I tried to remember them. I reached a point of wanting a clean slate, and to focus on what was going on in my life rather than what had already transpired. On the flip side, there’s a part of me that would like to read back through some of them myself. I feel like I’ve changed so much since I started that blog. That’s not to say that I’ve necessarily grown or matured since then; I’ve just changed. It would be interesting to look back at some of those things now, with the knowledge I have now of how things turned out and a bit of perspective/distance from it all.
There have been countless times that I’ve wished I could go back in time and just shake my younger self. There are a number of tips I’d like to give past me: don’t date Ben, don’t waste time on Courtney’s drama, don’t trust Jeff, don’t make agreements with anyone named Suzie. Someone who shares a last name with you and tells people that he’s your big brother (“so the frat boys don’t mistreat you”) isn’t necessarily looking out for your best interests. They may one day try to hypnotize/make out with you (it didn’t work). Don’t drink Jungle Juice. Dance on fewer bars. Be kind to people. Respect yourself. Don’t think that you have to make out with or date people just because you can now; you don’t have to overcompensate for being (or at least thinking you were) ugly in high school. Call your parents back when they call; someday you might not be able to. Stop making slutty Halloween costume dresses out of sparkly capes. Sock puppet portrayals of Shakespeare plays will be more fun than you expected, so don’t mock it.
As frustrating as it could be to read back through some of that foolishness (or at least the feelings that resulted from that foolishness as it continued to creep up years later), I think it would be fun to get a little glimpse back at that time of my life. It was nice to scroll through bits of the other blogs that still exist there. It made me warm and fuzzy for the times I was so close to those people. I miss that closeness. There’s just an ease and instant comfort to friendships that are formed during that stage of life. It’s not as easy or second nature as I get older. I’ll say it: I miss hugging. I have some really fantastic friendships that I wouldn’t trade for anything. I’m a really lucky person to have such smart and funny people in my life. That said, the friendships that I had during those years were so open. I think we were better at letting ourselves be vulnerable. We hugged every time we saw each other. We told our friends that we loved them, and it wasn’t weird. It sometimes feels that there’s this hesitance to allow ourselves to feel exposed these days. It’s like a competition to see who can make the most biting retorts or be the first to pounce on someone else’s mistakes. Maybe that’s my doing, I don’t know. I know I’ve always been one for sarcasm. I tend to be worse with people when I first meet them; a self-defense mechanism of sorts. It just used to fade away as I got to know people better. It feels like it used to be a better balance between teasing and affection. The ribbing was more good natured. It feels (certainly not with everyone, and definitely not with anyone who may actually be reading this) like there’s this underlying motive, this constant drive to tear each other down before we’re torn down ourselves.
Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m just glorifying the past, or over-analyzing the present. Maybe I need to get back to studying.
I love you guys! ( <—- see, that felt weird)


4 thoughts on “Xanga

  1. i'm telling you for MY sake and for the sake of future films/television shows i'll belong to one day- move to LA w/Mike and get a job as a writer's asst. begin your first screenplay/play and sell it. you have the BEST way of writing Em…i was reading the slutty halloween costume out of sparkly capes part and went back to the top of the paragraph to read it aloud as if i were performing it as monologue. because you could. and, i probably will (providing i get your consent). you are SO talented and your words are completely necessary out here. think about it. and yes, this is part of my ploy to get you all out here on the west coast. joe comes in Nov. mwhahahahaha. Robyn, Kat, if you're reading this don't think that because you both have babies i won't keep trying to persuade you of a land where the ocean and the mountains belong in one place. just sayin. 😉 or AM I winking?pps. (i recognize there wasn't a ps. but that last paragraph felt as though it were one) i love you back. not so weird. been a while, but not so weird.

  2. aww, i deleted my xanga (i think) a long time ago, too! it's crazy how much we've grown up since college. although the jungle juice was dangerous, it was certainly delicious! 🙂

  3. Too bad I missed your Xanga days…they sound pretty juicy.Whenever I read my old Myspace blogs, part of me thinks "wow, that was funny." The other part of me feels shame.I hope that in 10 years you aren't blogging on FlurbleGurble.space and feeling ashamed of what you wrote here and deleting it, because I enjoy this blog.

  4. I kind of almost started tearing up when I read this because I have felt the same way for so long about not really feeling as close or expressing that closeness regularly. I miss it so much.

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